Can You Hear Me Now?

The answer is a resounding no. Which should not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me, or has even really talked to me in the last few weeks. But this still seems to be a question I get asked alot. It doesn't really bother me when people ask; I'm just not sure how I can be any clearer about this than I already am. People sure seem to have problems hearing what I'm saying. (Yes, that was a deafness joke.). So here's a quick FAQ to set a few things straight.

No. I cannot hear you. You can scream really loud when you talk to me if you like. Lots of people do. But all this really succeeds in doing is allowing me to see you make a funny face. I genuinely appreciate the effort people put into trying to help me understand, but I can lipread; so talk to me normally and at a regular pace, and it'll work even better. As for yelling; you'll have about the same luck as if you're yelling at a slab of beef to try and make it hear. Take it from me; its as likely as your shiny new '10 Toyota actually stopping when you push the brakes.

No. I did not gain any superpowers from this ordeal, or at least that I have noticed. I'm kind of bummed. You always hear about people losing one sense then gaining another ability, so I was kind of hoping to be able to fly or communicate with fish telepathically or something. But it turns out not. And according to my doctor, the likelihood of me becoming a crime-fighting badass who shoots lasers out of his eyes are not as high as I would have hoped.

No. I'm not ignoring you. Okay, maybe sometimes. But usually, I actually don't notice you're talking. Just tap me on the shoulder, and I promise I'll give you my full attention. Unless I actually am ignoring you, in which case you're just out of luck. I am after all, still human. And am still the same jerk I always was.

No. I dont know sign language. Its been two weeks since I lost my hearing. Sign language is a complete language with its own grammar and vocabulary. Contrary to what those people in those late-night ads for that "Rosetta Stone" langauge learning program say, I'm pretty sure its impossible to learn a language in two weeks, especially if you have other things to be doing in those two weeks. Like eating or sleeping, for example. I'm in the process of learning to sign. But at the moment, I've got the Sign Language linguistic abilities of a child who's failing preschool. So please, stop asking me to teach you profanity in sign language. It makes you look like an [points finger of left hand downward while slowly rotating it, while clenching other hand into a fist placed direectly below it, all at chest level while shaking head disapprovingly].

Yes. I can still talk. And yes, someone actually asked me that. I would make a joke about this, but I'm not sure how anything I could add could really top that.


And finally, yes. I do nap well. Deafness has revolutionized the world of napping for me. I can nap anywhere, anytime. I could be in the front row at a rock concert, and provided I didnt get stepped on, I would totally take a nap. Silence is awesome.


So there you have it. If you have any more questions I'll be glad to hear you out. (Theres your second deafness joke for the day).

Now I'm off to tend to the brewing lawsuits from both Toyota and Rosetta Stone for slandering their products in this article. Let's hope they're merciful.

Making the Most Of Your Hospital Stay

For obvious reasons, theres alot of people out there that are afraid of hospitals. Its understandable; its not exactly like its fun to have an array of metal, plastic, and electronic devices mounted onto and shoved into every accessible patch of your body. In fact, some medical procedures seem downright barbaric.

Recently, I spent a night in the emergency room thanks to some super-fun effects from everyone's favourite hearing loss medication, Prednisone. At first I was hesitant to go; the scariness level of hospitals to me is right up there with county fair clowns and congressmen. But after a bit of time, I grew to learn that there are some seriously awesome things about hospitals.

1. The Beds

The beds in a hospital are probably the greatest inventions humans have ever conceived. Essentially, these "beds" are what I imagine would result if Optimus Prime mated with a La-Z-Boy. There is literally no limit to the positions these machines can contort themselves into at the push of a button. There's a sort of awe inspiring power when you realize that the bed you're in is probably capable of  doing barrel rolls.

2. Travelling in Style

There is no need to walk in a hospital. Doctors are far more concerned with you resting than having you get up to go places. You'll learn very quickly that its not hard to convince the nurses or lab technicians to push your whole bed to wherever you want to go. It is the ultimate in luxury; if I ever become rich and famous, I am totally buying one of those beds and hiring someone to push me around in it. Not to mention, it is endlessly entertaining to make racecar noises as you cruise through the halls in a gurney. You'll get some weird looks. But its one of those things I'm happy I got to do in life.

3. Classy Aparrel

As a member of the male gene pool, I dont get alot of opportunity to wear bold new styles. Male outfits are so typical and bland; a suit-and-tie for business occasions, and jeans and a t-shirt for everything else. Hospitals are a chance to explore more eccentric styles. Its what I presume to be the only place I will ever be encouraged to wear a blue floral backless gown. And just in case the free moo-moo wasn't quite enough high-fashion for you, they even help you accesorize. You get stickers to go all over your chest and legs, a fancy bracelet with your name on it, and even some neat-o wires and tubes here and there to add boldness to the style. Finally, you get a brand new pair of neon orange socks which were presumably former NASA prototypes at gravity boots. These socks have better treads than any shoes I have ever worn; you cannot slip in them. It is simply not an option. Altogether, this look was probably me at my sexiest. Its for the best that no pictures of me from that night exist; the attractiveness factor may just have exceeded the limit my female readers could have handled.

All in all, thoughts of the ER dont have to be all bad. As with all things, there are upsides. Life can only be fun if you focus on the good aspects of the situation you are in. Maybe someday you'll end up getting wheeled around a hospital in a robo-bed, and you'll remember this post.

Make a racecar noise.

I promise. Its worth it.

There Was An Old Lady Who Swallowed A Fly

Sudden hearing loss is one of those regions of medicine that there is still a lot of mystery surrounding. Even experts in hearing and audiology seem to shy away from the issue, since people really aren't sure about the causes. They do however, seem to have a common course of action for patients such as myself. It is called "Prednisone".

Prednisone sounds so inert, and so calm. It sounds like something you might take if your head cold starts getting in the way of your focus at work, or to wipe on your skin in the evenings to prevent mild acne outbreaks from becoming nightmarish Freddie-Kruger masks. But no, Prednisone is much more than that.

Prednisone is what I imagine it would be like to drink a cocktail of bull testosterone, caffeine, weight-gain pills, and Peyote, all at once. It is an energetic, hallucenogenic, nervous mess of biological instinct. 60 mg of this stuff, and you're set for a day of healthy, primal adventure. If you're a fan of nervous panicking, uncontrollable shaking, and receiving philosophical advice from the nearby furniture, ask your doctor about Prednisone.

Doctors swear by the stuff. All of the specialists which I have visited have suggested the same treatment, and every online medical journal I have seen seems to agree. "Its your best shot at hearing again, Alex", they all say. I am all for hearing. I enjoyed hearing thoroughly. So I comply. I turn back to becoming Alex's inner beast man; jittering, eating, giggling, and actively seeking a marathon to sprint through. 

But I must admit, there are only so many nights that a person can freak out and spin around in circles while screaming lyrics to old Foghat albums and nervously scratching grooves in the drywall with their fingernails before they begin to wonder whether these side effects are really worth the effort.

But Aha!  There is a wonder cure for the wonder cure! Like the old lady who swallowed the fly, we've just gotta pile on some more pills to fix the problems! Isn't medicine fun?

This is where Ativan comes in. Ativan is the archenemy of Prednisone, and when they get together it is like the glorious climax to an old 1950's B-Reel where the two giant plastic monsters fight it out. One contains more potential energy than an undetonated hydrogen bomb, just reeling to release itself. The other is a sedative strong enough to bring down a coked-up elephant. The stage is set for action. Godzilla and Mothra have got nothing on this stuff.

Eventually, the Ativan wins every time. It is like an 800 pound wrestler sitting on your chest. I don't care how manly all the steroid in the Prednisone makes you feel. A few milligrams of Ativan, and it quickly becomes time for bed. But this is no ordinary sleep. This sleep is, for all intents and purposes the basis of the 2010 film "Inception". This is no exaggeration; last night I literally dreamt about going to sleep. 

This of course leads to a final problem. While I am on Ativan, my only thoughts are rest. The times of day where I am able to function are limited to the times when the effects of the Ativan are fading, making me only slightly drowsy. During these times, I pile on one final cure. Caffeine. Without tea, I wouldn't be writing this post. In fact, I'd probably still be dreaming about dreaming. Its peaceful, but I'm slightly afraid that I may be losing touch with reality the more I sleep and sleep and sleep. I wouldn't want to wake up one day and find out that I'm talking to my shoes WITHOUT the help of Prednisone. So I instead write long-winded posts to stay sane.

A New Start To Things

The last few weeks have marked a fresh start for my life. I recently got my drivers license, I've started paying more attention in school, and I even started this blog. Oh yeah, and I suddenly lost the ability to hear. Gone.

I have had problems hearing out of my left ear for months now, but the right ear finally decided it was time to give out on me the night of Thanksgiving.

I woke up the next morning, and it was the quietest day of my life.

I still have the ability to tell when sounds are present; I feel vibrations, and with the help of the lower powered hearing aid that was already being used in my left ear, I can distinguish conversation with the help of my attempts at lipreading. [Although I do often happen to misread. There is no awkwardness like thinking someone is telling you something they're not] But music seems to be just, missing.

Playing music was always my escape. There used to be nothing I would rather do than sit alone in a quiet room and strum a few chords on my guitar, and maybe sing a few lyrics. Some Bob Dylan, perhaps?

But all of that has changed now. When I play a chord, the melodies that used to bely the simple notes, the gentle cacophony of a slightly detuned string, the sound of fingers sliding across the wooden frets, all seem to have faded. There is sound in the notes, but there is little harmony left to me.

This is not to say, however, that this will stop me.

Music is as it always was, and I know that when I play a chord, those notes still exist. From the clean overtones of a solid note to the gentle reverberations and rattling of the loose peg in the tuning keys, the sound is all still there. I just have to look harder, and pay a little more attention.

Hopefully I won't lose any potential readers this blog may ever have by doing this, but I am going to cite one of the most annoying and over-repeated phrases in television history, as it summarizes my thoughts quite perfectly.

Maybe that guy from "Lost" was on to something when he said, "Dont tell me what I can't do".

I will still lead a musical life.

I will still sing, perform, laugh, and dance to songs, even when I can't quite hear them.

I will still live the life I had always planned to.

 And nothing will stand in my way.

(SIDE NOTE)

I realized after I wrote this that it sounded way too inspirational and dramatic for my taste. I hate the whole overdramatized thing. So I promise in the future my posts will be a little less preachy and a little more upbeat. If you wanted to listen to a teenage boy whine, you could just watch "Dawson's Creek".

So here's my honest word. We'll have some more fun. And I'll make more jokes.