Can You Hear Me Now?

The answer is a resounding no. Which should not come as a surprise to anyone who knows me, or has even really talked to me in the last few weeks. But this still seems to be a question I get asked alot. It doesn't really bother me when people ask; I'm just not sure how I can be any clearer about this than I already am. People sure seem to have problems hearing what I'm saying. (Yes, that was a deafness joke.). So here's a quick FAQ to set a few things straight.

No. I cannot hear you. You can scream really loud when you talk to me if you like. Lots of people do. But all this really succeeds in doing is allowing me to see you make a funny face. I genuinely appreciate the effort people put into trying to help me understand, but I can lipread; so talk to me normally and at a regular pace, and it'll work even better. As for yelling; you'll have about the same luck as if you're yelling at a slab of beef to try and make it hear. Take it from me; its as likely as your shiny new '10 Toyota actually stopping when you push the brakes.

No. I did not gain any superpowers from this ordeal, or at least that I have noticed. I'm kind of bummed. You always hear about people losing one sense then gaining another ability, so I was kind of hoping to be able to fly or communicate with fish telepathically or something. But it turns out not. And according to my doctor, the likelihood of me becoming a crime-fighting badass who shoots lasers out of his eyes are not as high as I would have hoped.

No. I'm not ignoring you. Okay, maybe sometimes. But usually, I actually don't notice you're talking. Just tap me on the shoulder, and I promise I'll give you my full attention. Unless I actually am ignoring you, in which case you're just out of luck. I am after all, still human. And am still the same jerk I always was.

No. I dont know sign language. Its been two weeks since I lost my hearing. Sign language is a complete language with its own grammar and vocabulary. Contrary to what those people in those late-night ads for that "Rosetta Stone" langauge learning program say, I'm pretty sure its impossible to learn a language in two weeks, especially if you have other things to be doing in those two weeks. Like eating or sleeping, for example. I'm in the process of learning to sign. But at the moment, I've got the Sign Language linguistic abilities of a child who's failing preschool. So please, stop asking me to teach you profanity in sign language. It makes you look like an [points finger of left hand downward while slowly rotating it, while clenching other hand into a fist placed direectly below it, all at chest level while shaking head disapprovingly].

Yes. I can still talk. And yes, someone actually asked me that. I would make a joke about this, but I'm not sure how anything I could add could really top that.


And finally, yes. I do nap well. Deafness has revolutionized the world of napping for me. I can nap anywhere, anytime. I could be in the front row at a rock concert, and provided I didnt get stepped on, I would totally take a nap. Silence is awesome.


So there you have it. If you have any more questions I'll be glad to hear you out. (Theres your second deafness joke for the day).

Now I'm off to tend to the brewing lawsuits from both Toyota and Rosetta Stone for slandering their products in this article. Let's hope they're merciful.